Life with my FTM boy

If you live in the FORT WORTH, TEXAS area, go eat at Potbelly’s on University Dr! If we get 200 through the door, 25% of their proceeds go to our cause! 

Let’s support Haiti relief, the Tarrant County Women’s Center, and Assault Prevention Theatre! EAT A SANDWICH!

I’ve been crazy busy for a while, and haven’t been posting almost at all. I have my reasons.

One of those reasons is happening next week! I am directing a performance of The Vagina Monologues - and our shows are next Friday!

After that I should be back soon. :)

Let me know if you’re interested in coming to see a performance!

I’m having a rough time with life right now. I’m busy in a way that I have never been busy before: I literally have scheduled something almost every waking hour every day of the week. It means that I look at my wreck of a room and want to cry; it’s so messy, but I don’t have the time to pick it up. I hit the ground running when I moved back in for the semester, and never got settled in. I’m wearing dirty clothes from the hampers, pulling things off the floor, and finding papers everywhere.

So, I’m stressed. And last night I told him. And though last night he said exactly what I didn’t want to hear, today he made me realize one of the many reasons I love him.

Because he’s just so damn cute. And thoughtful. And amazing.

8:19 AM, Text: “Sending love, hope, and peace your way.”

9:13 AM, IM: “Woof! Distraction”

12:59 PM, Text: “I love you.”

2:17 PM, Voicemail: “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skys are grey! You’ll never know dear, how much I love you, so please don’t take my sunshine away.”

5:56 PM, Email: “Pics from Our Sunday morning tea.”

9:16 PM, Text: “Thinking of you.”

9:42 PM, Email: “You are the direction of the universe that I want to know everything about.”

10:00(ish) PM, Blog Post: “…I love her so much and sometimes I wonder if I keep on asking myself these questions because I’ll never really have the answers, I’ll never really have the words to describe her, the words to explain who she is, deep down. I’m learning to write volumes on it now, in my head, but it’s because I know her, and I want to know her...”

10:29 PM, Text: “I was just writing you a dirty text message and saying you should call me…”

This does not include the multiple conversations and sometimes not even the full amount of what was said.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve this. What did I do to merit such love? Nothing, really. He makes me feel special. He makes me feel loved. When I am with him, I am confident and beautiful and knowledgable and nurturing and learning and living and whole.

He makes my days shine.

Go see Vic Hunt’s second lesson: Sexual Orientation: It’s more complicated than it seems!

To watch (it starts at 8:05) go to this chat room:
 http://tinychat.com/drbeaverboy?time=1328233716761

To read his blog go to:
drbeaverboy.com
drbeaverboy.tumblr.com

Check it out!

I feel physically ill. I almost started crying in class.

Should openly gay teachers be allowed to teach kindergarten? Should gay people be represented on tv? Should gay couples be allowed to adopt kids? If married homosexual couples move to America, should we recognize their marriages? Is America’s refusal to accept homosexuality a form of bigotry?

“No, because…”

I hated the words coming out of my mouth. What was even more upsetting is that a kid on the pro side specifically stated that he “could not argue for gays” and sat there with his mouth covered as a demonstration of his disapproval.

Of course, the animal kingdom came up and the fact that animals engage in homosexual acts. One girl insisted that they are not “homosexual” but “asexual” because “living with the same sex and not having sex” is, apparently, asexual. This is after she had to be convinced that male animals will have sex with each other. And then the fact that “we cannot compare animals to human beings at all” because they are animals (and obviously have nothing in common) made the first guy say “thank God,” which broke his pact of silence.

I hurt. A lot.

Although – I have to say that I’m proud: my ‘con’ team had an incredibly difficult time coming up with anything. We definitely lost. For a Christian university, that’s incredibly hopeful.

http://tinychat.com/drbeaverboy?time=1327024132752

Vic and I met at work, so I had no idea what was going on in his personal life. At one point someone mentioned him being gay, so I figured that I had nothing to worry about. See - I was getting over a guy who was a real jerk (married and ended up in jail for impregnating a 16-year-old) and I did not want to deal with a boy.

So when I started getting teased by the girls (all older women, btw) about how much attention he was paying to me, I disregarded it - until I found out that he’s bi. And then I started getting worried, because my male boss asked me if we had gone out yet. And then the observations started being more invasive, and people assumed we were together.

So I decided to nip whatever crush was going on in the bud. At this point, Vic and I had gone to an arts festival together (on a whim - not a date, in my mind), were texting a lot, and had plans for a movie day. He had asked me on a date, but when I reminded him that I don’t date, he said “date, hang out, whatever. It’s the same thing,” so we made plans.

On one of our Thursday’s off, we had a work meeting at 7 AM. Afterwards, we went to his place to watch movies. Now, my intention is still to tell him to back off, but I wasn’t sure how to do that. I can be pretty awkward when it comes to this type of stuff. So the first movie he puts in is Kinsey, which is about sex. It was interesting, and I understood why he showed it, but still kind of awkward. And then the next movie he puts in - knowing how much I like it - is Moulin Rouge. 

Sneaky boy.

At one point in the movie, he’s lying down in a bed across the room. He said I should come over and cuddle. Okay, first of all, my spot on the couch is comfortable, and second: it has a better view. So I said no, and his response was “Look, if we’re going to be friends, you’re going to have to get comfortable with cuddling. I’m a cuddler.”

I told him that’s fine, but I’m comfortable and too tired to move. So he heaves a big sigh, and gets up and sits on the couch. I felt bad for him, he was being so nice, so I slid to the other side and sat next to him. Well, as I get sleepier and sleepier, I ended up with my head in his lap. 

I was half asleep, and Vic was playing with and petting my hair and neck. Then, during Come What May in the movie, he heaves a big sigh and it sounds like he’s frustrated. I tried to raise myself out of my comatose state to ask him what was wrong, but before I can he kissed me.

Just a light kiss. A nice first kiss. It didn’t demand anything or ask for something, it was just…sweet. And, of course, I lay there like a block, asking God to make me disappear. Because now telling him to back off just got more difficult, because I seem to be a master at getting into physical relationships because I want the physicality.

And I thought it would be over, we would talk about it later…but then he kissed me towards the end of the movie. And we started making out. And it’s entirely possible that we missed the entire end of the movie, and when it restarted we missed the first half, as well.

Sometime in the middle of that, Vic shifts and essentially pulls me on top of him. Now, Vic is a small boy, and I’m a…well, I’m not a little lady. My curves have curves. So I was trying to be very careful not to squish the equipment that I thought was there. However, the lack of erection was noticeable, even for me. I started worrying that I was doing something wrong - because he sounded turned on, but his body was NOT showing it.

It starts getting a little more heated, and after he’s flipped me on my back and taken off my bra, he stops, walks over to the light and turns it on. And the next words that come out of his mouth absolutely terrify me.

“There’s something I should probably tell you.”

Seriously? I think my heart stopped. I had no idea what could be important enough to warrant that tone and those words in the middle of…well, in the middle of play.

“Things seem to be escalating, and before we go too far, I wanted to tell you that I’m not the same, down there, as other guys. You remember your friend Carter, the trans guy that you talked about? Well, I’m trans too. I used to be a girl.”

Things made so much more sense.

Honestly, the first thought that came to my head was “excuse me, things MAY be escalating, but you NEVER assume sex, mister high-and-mighty!” But he looked so worried that I didn’t say it. I could tell he was waiting for me to freak out or something.

So, I did a quick scan of my emotional state. And you know, I was fine. It wasn’t a big deal to me. In fact, because I didn’t want a boyfriend and knew that sex wasn’t on the menu for me, and then the fact that I was going to ask Vic to back off anyway at some point - his being a trans man didn’t matter. But I didn’t want to hurt him by cutting him off right then. Besides, I was having too much fun.

I shrugged my shoulders, said ok, and we kept making out.

Later that night, during a heart to heart, I did tell him that I couldn’t handle a relationship and stuff. It wasn’t because he’s FtM, but because I wasn’t at the right point in my life. Plus, I have problems with his being polyamorous, because I am not. 

And look where we are. Six months from that day was 10 days ago.

<3

Oh good giddy god.

So, Vic came over for dinner. And played Pictionary with my brother and I.

And them my father sent me to the back of the house and told Vic to step into his office. Blatantly, not even trying to hide the fact that he was going to grill him. 

I suppose I should mention - my family does not know that Vic and I are together. They know we’re close, that he’s one of my best friends…but other than that? Nada. Up to this point, they have known zilch about my dating/sex life, and I plan to keep it that way. Because I (kind of) have one, and they do not approve.

Vic isn’t a secret because I’m ashamed of him. Our relationship is a secret because we’re still figuring out what it means to us, and that’s private. I do not need my family sticking their noses in my business. Plus, it would put so much pressure on him. My family is ridiculously old-fashioned.

So yeah. My dad gave Vic the talk this weekend. And it was super awkward, because his hands still smelled like me. Because we had sexy times before going to my house.

I am mortified.

It’s a good thing he loves me AND is crazy - because without that combo, he would have run to the hills a long time ago.

One of my pet names from Vic is Kitten - partially because I am a kitten, really. Just like Vic is a big puppy. 

This is an email from my boy:

“Hello kitten… I made it home safe.” 

 I’ve taken off my clothes and curled into bed with you, home again.  You’re warm, and sleepy.  You vaguely knew that it was late, late like morning like you’d been without me most of the night.  But I made it home.  It’s still dark — it’s morning too — but it’s still early enough that I can come home to you and sleep with you for a little while.  With you against my chest.

I crawl into bed.  You’re sleepy and warm and I curl up next to you, curl myself against you, touch your hair and pull your head to me.  You stretch and yawn and sigh — you know I’m home now.  You smile.  You snuggle up against me.  I kiss your pretty little pink little nose and whisper, “hello kitten… I’ve made it home safe.”  You purr.  You bury your little nose in my chest and I kiss your cheek, and your ear, and your forehead, and the top of your head, and I rest my chin your hair and sigh.  I breathe out and take in the warmth of being home, in my bed, with my kitten purring against me.

Happy sigh. <3

Six months is not a super long time.

However, when you consider it in relation to relationships…six months can be forever.

When I think of the last six months, I think about how much I have changed. I can now walk around my own house naked - which is something that I never could have done. I can walk into a lingerie store and ask questions and try stuff on without being ashamed. But really - when I think of the last six months, the biggest part has been just spending time with Vic.

January 7 was our six month anniversary, which, of course, is not a huge deal. But at the same time, it is. This is the most official relationship I’ve ever been in, and, at this point, the second longest. So, six months is a good deal.

And makes for a great day.

We had dinner at The Magic Time Machine.

And then Sunday - we stayed in bed all day. Ordered in Chinese food, and had to scramble to find a dress because we were lounging around naked. Watched TV and slept and read and showered by candlelight.

Monday, work was cancelled, so we stayed in again! We ate leftovers and he took me to an antique mall, because I’m looking for tea cups for the vagina tea party I’m having at the end of the month. 

But yeah. Anniversary = naked lounging, lots of eating, and sexy times! Best. Weekend. Ever.

pflagmom:

The Self Made Men is a tool used to serve the transgender male community. On one end, we educate and promote awareness of our existence, needs and normalcy to individuals and groups in both the GLBT and Allied communities. Mirrored to this cause, our biggest concerns lie with the support and mentoring of other transgender people as a resource to transitioning and dealing with everyday life.

Please check us out at TheSelfMadeMen.com or TheSelfMadeMen.tumblr.com

Check this stuff out! What an awesome group and an awesome thing to do! 

“I was a horny boy.”

Was. 

Was.

Sigh. It’s kind of an odd thought. I’m a virgin, and Vic is an escort. And yet, my sex drive is definitely a lot bigger. It’s kind of an odd thought. Me, more sex drive than an escort?

It kind of hurts sometimes. When I want or need the physicality for any reason, and he’s not in the mood or doesn’t want to, it’s hard. It’s hard for me, knowing that I’m like this, because sometimes it feels like it’s wrong.

It’s not. I know it isn’t wrong. There is no moral problem with desire. Morality enters with your personal convictions and how they coincide with the decisions that you make. So, sexual wants, desires and needs could be ranked in different ways, and people can be moral or immoral in their own eyes.

I honestly don’t have a problem with premarital sex, but I think that not enough people are wary enough about what can happen. Vic, I think, understands that there is a connection in sex - he sees it (in my understanding, he may correct me) as a way of sharing his love, any kind of love. But for me, I’m not ready for that connection. I view sex in a different way. And it’s ok.

But it’s hard, knowing that I want it more, and I don’t get to be with my boy when he was someone who wanted more often. Because he “was” that way.

And man, those good times sure are sweet. ;)

So, I’m a pretty conservative type of girl. I don’t wear provocative clothing, I try not to be too messy in public, and I think modesty is not a thing of the past. Being proper is not necessarily a bad thing, and neither is being a virgin.

I’m not saying I’m waiting until marriage, though that’s how I’m being raised. But if I’ve waited for 22 years, then a little longer isn’t going to hurt. But that’s all I’m going to say about that.

One of the things that is really difficult for me, and with my relationship with Vic, is how open he is with his body. His last two posts have included extremely provocative pictures of himself. The most recent was a nude photo.

They are good pictures. I’m not gunna lie, my boy is hot. But it’s hard for me to see them online. 

For me, bodies are special, and some things are supposed to be private. I feel so lucky that I get to wake up to him naked in my bed, and watch him sleep. It’s something so special and wonderful, and to be shared between the two of us.

Not knowing that he was going to start posting those pictures, I kind of lost it for a little bit when I saw them. I know that a lot of this stems from having so many problems with my own body. I absolutely abhor pictures on facebook and other sites, and I don’t think I’ve taken a picture in the past two years that I like at all. The thought of nude photos of myself online makes me have a bit of a heart attack. So, at the same time - is it really so bad for me to not be super happy about this? I really don’t think it is.

So there you have it. I’m upset. But at the same time, I am so proud. First of all, it takes courage to post pictures of yourself. Period. Secondly, the pictures are poignant, and the writing with them is so true and real and needs to be spoken, even if it is for himself. Besides, I think the pictures add to, rather than distract from, the pieces. Third - he really is very good looking. 

Honestly? I hope the trans wo/men in your lives (or you, yourself) learn how to be as comfortable in your own bodies as Vic is. It is a blessing, and really - all bodies are beautiful. No matter how insecure you may be about yourself, there is someone who thinks you are absolutely beautiful. Trust me, I found one for me, and I never thought that would happen.

I come from a conservative Christian background. I love my family, and I’m so grateful for the way that I was brought up. Yes, some of it is restrictive and went a bit far - but I was innocent for so much longer than many kids are nowadays, and I am so grateful for that.

And it meant that I knew what was going to happen: God picked out a special man for me, and all I had to do was wait and follow His plan and my Prince Charming would come in to sweep me off my feet, and we would ride into the sunset. And then I would have my Bettie Crocker kitchen, a 50’s styled-wardrobe and my perfect little family to take care of for the rest of my life.

Let me tell you - that story doesn’t happen. It hardly ever happens. You need a lot of luck and even more money to even consider it.

However, I do have to admit that this year, love did find me - in an unexpected way.

You see, I had just started a new job. I was making friends and having a good time. There was this guy at work, and good lord - he was CUTE. He would turn on the charm and I would melt like butter in his hands. And then, it turns out, that he was seeing many other people at work as well, much to the detriment of his wife.

Which is when I decided that this summer was not my summer for love, and that I was just going to keep my nose clean and concentrate on graduating from college the following May…

And then I went out with this boy a couple times. I was convinced it was just as friends. Well, it was for me anyway - and I had made it completely clear that I was not interested in dating at the time. But when the people at work were telling me that he liked me and how obvious it was, I knew I had to nip that in the bud. So, the next time we went to his place, I planned on telling him that this crush thing needed to stop…

Well, obviously, Vic has convinced me otherwise. And, fortunately for me, I allowed him to do just that. Because he has become my best friend and lover, and I have been so lucky to have him in my life.

So really, what can I talk about? Let me tell you. All the stuff that makes me so boring, makes our relationship stuff interesting. I am dating a bisexual, polyamorous FTM transgender who is an escort, dabbles in porn, and works with sex education. His talents are many. He is a musician, a poet, and one of the smartest people I have ever met.

If I were a better writer, this would be great material. Because I am not, it is simply a way for me to write about my thoughts, feelings, and observations. I also want my blog to be a place where people can get information. For someone who is just beginning to venture into the transgender community - or for other communities that have to do with gender and sex stuff - it’s easy to think that your questions are stupid and you’re the only one who doesn’t know. I want to provide support for anyone going through this, whether you are an ally or genderqueer or trans or poly or whatever it is that has helped you become who you are.

Because I am still discovering who I am, and let me tell you - that is proving to be a long and exhausting process.